Like a Fallen City

I feel like shattered glass; all over; purposeless, directionless; spread thinly. I feel that I am already being left behind. The younger batches are already studying abroad while I haven’t finished my MA because of the numerous jobs given to me. But the jobs I have are here and there; odds and ends; stop-gaps. I know that those assigning me to this and that work are aware of my numerous abilities and talents; I have delivered every time I have been given a big responsibility, many of these are big events. But still I feel that despite these various responsibilities, my life has no focus. I have never been assigned to serious work where I called the shots.

After some time, I feel inadequate. Like a city whose walls have fallen. I am beginning to feel insecure and vulnerable: and this is alarming! I have always been confident of myself and what I can do.

This are all speculations: a friend who might not believe in me but would listen to what other people say; a click of the same feather whose members seem not too interested in me, probably thinking I am not as academically competent as they are; or people taking me for granted. Or that there are jobs I know I can do well better than others who have been assigned there.

I think I have to take control of my life and not just wait.


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