Too bad I can’t have the whole cake

I went out with two friends to the premier of a movie at SM Megamall. I was seated as one of the director’s guests, while my companions were given those from the executive producer’s seats. I liked the movie, though it had two many subplots. I could have edited two subplots and some scenes to make it tighter; some dialogues were a bit preachy. But it was a tearjerker. I cried from start to finish.

However, there was something I was not comfortable with. It was the atmosphere of pretension; the world of show business went from exciting to stale. Somehow it had lost some of its flavors. I wanted to be close to many of the celebrities. But now, as I become one of them, I desire to just slip out of the crowd and go to a simple place to rest or read a book.

When we got out of the movie event, we had a very late dinner and coffee. The conversation would often be about our individual love life. They were very vocal about their relationships. They were telling me to try out a more intimate relationship. They told me that I should not be afraid.

Then both of them remarked that hit me: they could not imagine themselves growing old with a partner.

The opposite was what struck me: But I could, and sometimes wish I had.

But with my status now, I can’t. The one I love may not feel the same way or will be too afraid to own me. And so, at this time, WE can’t.

I want someone to be with me until I die. Nothing beats that.

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Published:: August 31, 2010 / 7:02 pm

Category:: Personal

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I appear self-controlled and calm but I have in my depths a seething intensity of emotional energy, like the volcano of my hometown, which can erupt at any given time. My friends and those who are perceptive often can see the harnessed aggression, the immense forcefulness, magnetic intensity and people say, a strange hypnotic personality. When I talk to people, they said they like my thoughtful conversation, but sometimes my eyes are penetrating which makes my bashful companions feel naked and defenseless.

Self-discipline is what I need. I recognize some qualities in me that make me different from others. My tenacity and willpower are immense, yet I am deeply sensitive and easily moved by my emotions. When I am touched, tears flow from my eyes even when speaking in public. My sensitivity, together with my propensity for extreme interests, makes me easily hurt, quick to detect insult which arouses a ferocious anger — an emotion I find overly unpleasant.

My reasoning power is tempered by imagination and intuition which helps me penetrate the profundities beyond the average. Often my inner intensity can result to an ice-cold self-control and detachment of doctors which I wanted to be, the concentration of a researcher which I needed in my artistry, and the heroism of a soldier which image I based my life on. I know that this intensity can make me a passionate lover and a sensually energetic person. To me, when I love and when I am one with the one I love, the bond is a sacrament: an outward and visible sign of an intense spirituality. I could be a star-crossed lover who throws all his cares away.

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Too bad I can’t have the whole cake

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